I used heroin tonight. Eight days since I last used. Good news being that because I’ve been taking 16 mg of Suboxone I didn’t feel a damn thing. Bad news: I used again. Heroin is a tough drug to kick. I didn’t have to pay for it – I picked it up to flip for some cash. I’m doing one more shot when I get home tonight. Then I need to focus on some lifestyle changes.
The road to sobriety is rife with challenges. Wish me luck!
This is crack, but mine looked better.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. It’s crack right? Yes, it is crack. Crack is one of those drugs that I never really saw myself doing (I said the same thing about heroin, ha!). I’ve just never really liked cocaine, where I live it’s hard to get good coke. Cocaine is always available, but it just isn’t that great of quality. At least that’s my opinion. I’ve seen some kids get off on the coke around here, but I’ve never really snorted coke and felt that amazingly euphoric feeling people talk about. I’ve injected cocaine, with and without heroin. Obviously, it’s better with heroin in my opinion, but none the less shooting coke was the only time I ever really got off on it. Crack lies in the same vein as IV cocaine (no pun intended) for me. Let me recall the nights events:
Me and a few buddies are at the bar. We’ve all had a couple drinks in celebration of our friends birthday. The bar is closing and we’ve got to leave, but I’m still looking to party. My friend is looking to pick up some dilaudid and some roxicodone. Luckily I know where to get the former, and I explain to him that I just talked to the girl that has them and she’s up smoking crack. She wants to know if we’ll buy in. Why the hell not? We only have to throw down $25, and this girl is notoriously generous with drugs when she’s on a crack binge. I got 11 four milligram dilaudids off her for free last time I was there and she was cracked out. So me and my buddy decide to head over there.
Which is in the shitty part of town (lots of shootings, violence etc) right by the projects. Obviously an area where you’d expect to find crack. We go inside, throw down some cash and have the girl’s boyfriend load up a hit of crack. Sounds simple right? Apparently not. This guy was tweaked out he was picking up white specs of shit off the floor trying to determine their original origin.
Grain of rice? No, no impossible. This is gotta be crack. . .
After examining these small white particles (which didn’t originate from our bag anyway so I didn’t care) he would burn them.
If it burns black, it ain’t crack!!!! If it melts white, we’re alright!!!!
It took this guy 45-minutes to load up the pipe for us. After I asked about 15-minutes in if I could do it, he insisted that I would get higher with his method than my own. So I humored him and let him continue (he also has a lot of knives laying around). Finally after another 10-minutes of lecture on how to smoke crack, I’m allowed to hit it. I exhale, slowly rotating the pipe and inhaling being very careful not to burn the product. I can feel the anesthetic qualities of cocaine in the back of my throat, it’s numb. I inhale as far as I can and hold the smoke deep in my lungs. I exhale the crack smoke, I can’t feel my lips, tongue or throat. Nice. Then comes the bellringer. It’s hard to describe what a bellringer feels like, it’s kind of like nitrous oxide where your ears have an odd electric sound in them. But crack is warmer on the ears. I can feel my face flush and my vision wobbles from side to side, much like ecstasy. This was all followed by immediate and intense nausea – which gradually got better as the crack wore off. As I sat down I actually nodded off a slight bit like a nitrous oxide high. The total duration of the “good” part of crack lasted only 10-15 minutes. It was followed by about a half hour of pleasant wakefulness and empathy. Many of the aspects of the high reminded me of ecstasy, and other stimulant based highs.
Well it’s been six days since I’ve used heroin, I’m finallly starting to feel relatively normal again. In this moment I realize that I’m very thankful for Suboxone. It truly is an excellent option for treatment. I think that a normal addict would have felt normal the first day they took Suboxone. However, because I chose to use heroin and Suboxone back and forth I did myself in for a few days of mild-moderate withdrawal.
The cravings are still there though. I’m trying to involve myself in my work as much as possible and really focus on activities I find cathartic (like writing this blog or making music). The more I try and make lifestyle changes, and changes to my routine, the more I’ll be able to not think about heroin. I really am taking this one day at a time.
While I was trying to get back on Suboxone, I actually toyed with the idea of going to a methadone clinic for either a two week or three month detox off heroin. My thinking was that the Suboxone was no longer working, and I wanted something that would have taken care of my withdrawal as well as my cravings. I’m very sure that methadone would have done both. At what cost I have no idea. I’ve used almost every opioid out there – with few exceptions. One of those exceptions happens to be methadone. It’s a scary thing from what I can tell. Now, I’ve never tried it, but from what I’ve heard the withdrawals will have you ready to off yourself. Simply because of the length and intensity of them. I’m scared of heroin withdrawal (read: fucking terrified) and I can’t imagine what methadone withdrawals must be like. If anyone reading has had any experience getting off methadone, specifically getting off methadone in the form of a very slow taper like I’m doing with Suboxone, please email me or comment below and let me (and everyone reading) what the experience was like. My doctor has told me that if we do this taper properly that I’ll experience incredibly mild withdrawal (he said if heroin w/d is a 1, Suboxone w/d is a .1 if tapered properly). I’d like to know if the same is possible with methadone, tapering down ever so slowly to the point where you’ll feel no withdrawal symptoms.
Just a little update on my progress, and some questions for the ‘done users out there.
Heroin Molecule
Heroin, colloquially known as dope to some, is diacetylmorphine. Diacetylmorphine is made by acetylation of the morphine that is found in opium. It takes roughly ten acres of opium poppies to produce ten kilograms of opium, and that ten kilograms of opium will be turned into one single kilogram of heroin through the acetylation process (which I know nothing about). This results in a product roughly 1.5 times the potency of morphine. The acetyl groups on the molecule make the drug more lipid soluble, meaning it crosses the blood brain barrier quicker than morphine. This accounts for the rush. However, if heroin is simply ingested it will be converted by the body back into morphine via first pass metabolism. This is why snorting, smoking or injecting are more favorable routes of administration. These ROAs are also better because of the smaller amounts needed and the perceived rush from said ROAs. [Note: I personally find that there isn’t a very strong rush when smoking or snorting, but many people do feel a decent rush. I’m used to IV though so that could be why I don’t experience much of a rush.]
Heroin wasn’t originally meant to be an illicit drug. It was actually developed by Bayer (yes, as in Bayer Aspirin) as a less-addictive substitute for morphine to be sold over the counter. Holy shit. Apparently long-term research wasn’t really a necessity back then. Or rather, any research wasn’t necessary back then. I can’t imagine what the R/D department must have been like. They were actually trying to get codeine out of it, but failing that, they apparently just decided to go with it. If all had gone to plan, they would have extracted codeine which is roughly three times weaker than morphine. Thus, their plan to create a less addictive substitute for morphine may have been achieved. But that sure isn’t what happened!
In the end, what Bayer ended up creating was actually more addictive than morphine. It was also more potent, roughly one and a half times more potent. It was available over the counter (drool) and marketed to cure morphine addiction – among a slew of other conditions. Nice.
Heroin: The Cure-All!
Deceivingly cheap looking.
I have extensive experience with amphetamine, specifically Adderall XR. Which is a mix of aspartate monohydrate, racemic amphetamine sulfate, dextroamphetamine saccharide and dextroamphetamine sulfate. I rather like Adderall and have self-medicated my lack of motivation and fatigue for years prior to getting a prescription for Provigil. Adderall does a really good job of helping me write, words seem to flow very well. In fact, this blog was started under the influence of Adderall and many of the posts were written under its influence as well. Continue reading
I’ve finally caved and created a Twitter account. While I wouldn’t create one for myself personally, I figured it’d be great for the blog. So go ahead friends, start Twittering away!
Narcotic Dreams 